I'm generally ok with work. At least I used to think I was.
I used to successfully justify to myself why I go to work early and go home late as avoiding unnecessarily stressing myself out with the freaking Makati traffic. And that excuse used to be sufficient for me.
Then one day about a month ago, as I was preparing to buckle down to work at 6:30 in the morning, it hit me. I'm fucking crazy to be doing this (especially with what they pay me). For an hour after, I cry at a friend's shoulder (who, even crazier than I was, also went to work early that day even when he really didn't have anything urgent to do). And after I had decided to just go home for the day, I pop in at a senior partner's office (who came in early that day) and just tell him I was unhappy (the crazy thing about this, or maybe it's more surreal, is that this was the partner I used to be totally scared of when I started with this firm! And we ended up spending a few hours taking a break from it all shopping).
Since then, I've been told by another officemate (who joined the firm way later than I did and is leaving the firm in a few days) that I had no life other than my work. And it's been bugging me since, because as much as I hate to admit it, it's true.
I hate that even though I really ought not to work on weekends, I need to. I hate that all I want to do when I go home is sleep because the day has just been too stressfull. Or that even as I lie in bed dead-tired, sleep won't come as thoughts of what I have to do, or what I did wrong, pop into my head just as I'm about to doze off. I miss spending the day lounging in front of the TV. I miss being able to go walking in UP with my friends (one of whom would be in make-up) to make room for the big meal I'm having after. I want to be able to go see a movie without having my friends tell me I look tired or worried or sad. I want to have time to go bowling or badminton. I want to be able to join my brother and my sister when they go to the boxing gym. Or going diving in the weekend. Or going diving in the weekend.
Bottom line is, I think I have to leave the firm. It's driving me fucking crazy.
And I'm scared that if I do decide to leave this predominantly litigation firm, from which I feel I can learn the most, I'm closing my door to litigation. I know there will be no turning back if I do. And I don't know if this feeling I have right now is only because of the firm or because I'm really not cut out for litigation. But I can't leave either because I don't know what I wanna do after when I do.
Stuck is the worst feeling in the world.
Then one day about a month ago, as I was preparing to buckle down to work at 6:30 in the morning, it hit me. I'm fucking crazy to be doing this (especially with what they pay me). For an hour after, I cry at a friend's shoulder (who, even crazier than I was, also went to work early that day even when he really didn't have anything urgent to do). And after I had decided to just go home for the day, I pop in at a senior partner's office (who came in early that day) and just tell him I was unhappy (the crazy thing about this, or maybe it's more surreal, is that this was the partner I used to be totally scared of when I started with this firm! And we ended up spending a few hours taking a break from it all shopping).
Since then, I've been told by another officemate (who joined the firm way later than I did and is leaving the firm in a few days) that I had no life other than my work. And it's been bugging me since, because as much as I hate to admit it, it's true.
I hate that even though I really ought not to work on weekends, I need to. I hate that all I want to do when I go home is sleep because the day has just been too stressfull. Or that even as I lie in bed dead-tired, sleep won't come as thoughts of what I have to do, or what I did wrong, pop into my head just as I'm about to doze off. I miss spending the day lounging in front of the TV. I miss being able to go walking in UP with my friends (one of whom would be in make-up) to make room for the big meal I'm having after. I want to be able to go see a movie without having my friends tell me I look tired or worried or sad. I want to have time to go bowling or badminton. I want to be able to join my brother and my sister when they go to the boxing gym. Or going diving in the weekend. Or going diving in the weekend.
Bottom line is, I think I have to leave the firm. It's driving me fucking crazy.
And I'm scared that if I do decide to leave this predominantly litigation firm, from which I feel I can learn the most, I'm closing my door to litigation. I know there will be no turning back if I do. And I don't know if this feeling I have right now is only because of the firm or because I'm really not cut out for litigation. But I can't leave either because I don't know what I wanna do after when I do.
Stuck is the worst feeling in the world.