i started in an NGO already. after that career vs life decisions post, life kinda fell into place. i'm still struggling with working out a rough routine for myself here (considering the surprise meetings and the sudden out-of-town trips, routine just means i am able to anticipate when i need to do laundry!), but for the most part, i'm happy. and it's such a relief to be able to read that to myself right now. after worrying about how money matters may burden my decision-making, i've totally popped that thought bubble and can't wait for my parents to know more about what i'm doing now!

incidentally, my new work allows me to meet new people and i've been meeting a lot of really great human beings... which hopefully, will help out in my matchmaking hobby. hahaha. if u haven't heard yet, i've been matching friends with other friends... it's been a bumpy ride nga lang coz everybody refuses to go the traditional boy-meets-girl-asks-girl-out way and insists on group gimmicks... which require funds and major schedule-maneuvering. so any help is most welcome! hehehe.

on an entirely different matter, although still about the funny way the world works, i'm now friends with our very own Hopia, who i call up every now and then to help me out in some cases i'm working on. and it's so comfortable being around him, his baby, and his wife. of course, i still ask myself, what the heck i was thinking then?!?!? hahaha!

I've been receiving text messages and emails from my parents asking me about my plans for work, now that I've resigned.  To be fair, they have always been, and still are, supportive of everything I do.  However, you can sense the worry in their questions.  And I can't help but worry as well.

First of all, I love "most" of my firm, most of my work in it, and most of the people in it.  Leaving, although quite refreshing, was very difficult... and it took a while to finally put muscle behind that decision made months before. Honestly, though, my hesitation came from the uncertainty that leaving would bring.  And my career is still in that uncertainty now.

But my life isn't.  My life had been uncertain while I was still in the firm, because of the compromises I was making left and right and because I felt more and more like I was getting comfortable with the stability of a paycheck every fifteen days, and the predictability of every day, and I knew that I had a chance to go up the "corporate ladder" if I just wait it out. 

Still, I worry because I don't know if the worry of my parents crosses over the border to disappointment.  Being the only lawyer in the family, having had all the luxury of choice, and being given the chance to become filthy rich (i wish!!! hahaha), maybe my personal agenda to save the world is selfish.  Maybe providing for my family, making enough moolah to force my parents to come home and retire or stay abroad but retired and traveling the world without financial strain is a better cause.  

My mom wrote me that I should be careful not to go looking for the perfect job because there is none. And I know that. So I have to decide what's the almost perfect job out there for me. And if it's the same as the almost perfect job for the rest of my family.

I still haven't had the last 2 interviews for that NGO, and I'm still completing requirements for the UP job.  So I'm applying for law firms again on Monday, and I think I owe my family to try even Makati firms. Hopefully fate intervenes.  God, help please.

...is just tiring. but can we ever really think ourselves to death? or at least a terrible migraine? i think i've done the last one so im trying not to think and worry too much. i've got my accounting midterms coming and i'm just so freaked out. it's been my weakness eversince my undergrad days. aaargh!

thank god for jason mraz...i won't worry my life away.

What if i want something that used to be? Do i regress into who i was before? And possibly make all the same choices, including the wrong ones?

While most people i know are afraid that they're not going anywhere, i'm afraid i left where i was meant to be in the first place.

Anyway, about living vicariously... yeah, you should quit doing that. The danger i think it poses is that when you learn from others' mistakes, you tend to skip a few steps in your life and grow up more quickly. And since you never gave a chance to the what ifs, you wonder if the few steps you did skip would lead to the same path as your friends'.

seriously, thinking is poison.

"if you want something you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before!"

i saw this when we met with the marketing manager of jollibee this morning in one of the pictures on their wall. i was struck by it bcoz i've always preferred to stay in my comfort zone. yes, i've done things that i never thought i'd do like jump off a 40ft tree (with a harness, of course) but it was always bcoz i was tasked to do it. i believe in this statement and the idea it presents. i think its time i stopped living vicariously through others. i just have to be ready for the consequences.

i've already made adjustments in the way i think and i sure hope it will work for me rather than against me. i've decided that when i meet someone new i will not think too long term and just take it one day at a time. i will also not think about the success rate of the relationship even before i go into it. i used to weigh whether we will work out or not and make it the basis of a possible second date...and since i've always had an idea of what i wanted, there were no second dates. WRONG! things might work out or they may not...that's REALITY.

our sales team has a lot of new guys (as in males) and i'm thrilled bcoz finally there are people who are in the same wavelength as i am...i can talk about MTV and the friends sitcom!!! i also have diversions. i admit that i was affected by tarzan for obvious reasons. but i'm getting my bearing back bit by tiny bit. its really a struggle (he's being really nice to me,etc) but its doable.

i want to talk about work but its such a loser-ish thing to do...so i wont.

sometimes when you think about what's really important, you realize what you have and then you realize that where you are now is exactly where you want to be...

i miss everyone, work is really crazy right now and it doesnt look like its going to be smooth any time soon...as i'm sure you guys are also experiencing.

tarzan: i'm really hurting more than anything right now and the fact that i know why and what to do about it doesnt seem to lessen it. ang engot ko lang talaga kasi...haaaaay!!!! pero ganon siguro talaga, hindi naman pwedeng hindi ko maranasan ang magpaka-tanga over a REAL guy. ang sa lagay eh kayo lang ang matututo?!?!?? hindi pa nga lang ako umiiyak over him - WAG NAMAN, susmetot! pride ko lang naman kasi ang nasasaktan pa ngayon. at yon lang ang pinapayagan kong masaktan nya!

KUNG XI FAT TSAI!
 

This would make a good song, dontchathink? Unless it is a song. Ehehehe.

-----

The day after

I woke up and didn't pick up the phone

Told myself not to look around corners

For the slightest hint of your shadow

Nor to breathe in air like the desert sand drinks water

Just to keep pieces of me whole

And I would drift off to sleep when I’m finally too weary

Of trying not to say, do, think, or feel

And I did it all again the day after the day after

And after that still

The week after

I woke up and deliberately got on the phone

Called up the few friends you and I never shared

And told them my twisted version of our tale

Simply because I had not even myself on my side

They just might help me to forget, move on, and heal

But then a silly love song would come on

Or a movie line would be used to poke some fun

And time would roll back like a sick sci-fi

To the day after

And I did it all again

For days and weeks and months

And after that still

Now almost a year

I woke up not even caring where I am or what I do

Accepting what was and is and knowing the sentence fate has for me

To know with every breath and every heartbeat

With all of my mind and my soul

I am yours and I love you

Today and the day after and all the days after that

For as long as forever may be

And, cursed as I am, even after that still

nagkita kami ni ira kahapon. ang payat payat nya, problemado pa rin hanggang ngayon. yung 10am na interview nya sa isang pharmaceutical company e naurong sa 2pm. kaya ayun, naisipan  nya akong tagpuin. di naman ako nagdalawang isip na bumaba sa 9th floor mula sa ika-28 palapag ng building namin. matagal na rin naman kaming di nagkikita at sabik na rin akong makamusta sya.

nagsimula ang kwentuhan, at karaniwan na kay ira, nagsabi sya ng mga problema nya't mga frustration. natutunan ko na sa tagal na naming pagiging magkaibigan ni ira na ang pinakamabuting paraan para sa ganitong usapan ay makinig ka na lang. pero syempre, di ko napigilan magbigay ng payo. natural lang ata siguro yun pag naririnig mong namomorblema ang kaibigan.

balak na nyang mag-tnt. nawawalan na sya ng pag-asa sa job market ng pilipinas. ang sabi ko, wala syang makukuha kung year-end at simula ng taon sya mag-aapply. mga kumpanya kasi'y sa mga panahong ito e nagsisimula ng mag-review ng kanilang mga ginawa para sa nakaraang taon at nag-plano para sa susunod. personnel changes e mangyayari sa mid-year na malamang. sinabi ko yun kay ira. alam ko kasing di pa huli ang lahat para sa kanya. nakikita ko pa kasing wala pa sya sa dulo ng pisi nya. at alam kong miserable ang magiging buhay nya kung lalayag sya sa ibang bansa at doon ay magtatago.

oo nga't mahirap dito sa pilipinas. pero tayong mga pakyuka, mga iska tayo, iskolars ng bayan. kung meron mang magdadala satin sa mga nais nating puntahan ay ang mga kakayahan natin. minsan, nakakalimutan na natin sa dami ng problema na tayo'y  may mga kakayahan at angking talino. napupurol na lang minsan sa kakaisip ng mga solusyon sa mga problema, nababaon sa kakausap ng mga taong bano sa mga kaalamang sa ating sarili'y napakasimple lang naman.