January 12 was my mom's birthday.  She would have been 57.

See, my mom passed away 15 years ago (14, actually, 15 in September).  I was 15.  Her mom passed away when she was 15, too.  For the longest time, I didn't want to get married and have kids, fearing that I would die when my daughter turned 15.  But I  digress.

15 years is a long time to live without a mom.  My titas (my lola, too, before she passed away) have been great mom substitutes, I guess.   But sometimes, I wish mom was still here.

Like now.

I need my baptismal and confirmation certificates.  So my sister, Tin, and I looked through the papers my mom left (in semi-disarray).  Found my confirmation certificate, not my baptismal. 

And we found letters from friends and colleagues addressed to our family, remembering how she was.

And I feel sad and guilty because I remember so little now. 

And I wish we could have had more time to make up.  To be mother and daughter.  For me to have let her know I appreciated everything she did.

That she could have given me away.

Hay.  Ang bad ko ba na ako lang iniisip ko?

Anyway, the title of this post is from a newspaper cut-out of this poem my mom wrote (or was published) when she was 17-ish.  We found it among her papers.  Her pen name was Michelle.

First Encounter

In ponytails and bobbysocks
     I stood in the threshold of my teens.

As innocent as a rose bud
     threatening to bloom,

With nothing but laces and frills,
   Candies and dandies to clatter about.

But then -


In the midst of my reverie
   vaguely you came...

Intriguing my thoughts,

Beclouding my senses,

Drowning my spirit with
     inexplicable warmth, anxiety,
     restlessness...


As stealthily as you came
     you went away...

Leaving me dazed with momentary bliss

Making me yearn for a love
     greater and more divine

In the years to come.

Nagulat lang din ako na artistic pala nanay ko.  I mean I remember her being really smart (she was always away on scholarships months/years at a time), pero nakakagulat lang to find a piece like this written by your mom, diba?! 

Anyway.

Girls, alam kong matanda na tayo, and you are probably past the stage na atribida lang ang nanay nyo sa buhay nyo (the way i remember some things about my mom when I was in high school, before she passed away).  Please just let your mothers know how much they mean to you once in a while.  :)

Yun lang.  Ang labo ko.  Hahaha.

done with work so i thought i'd drop by our site...it has been months since i've written anything here.

i'm also done with san miguel. i'm pretty sure by the time most of you read this, i would have started in abs-cbn already. i moved because i believe in the brilliance of my boss there. she was the one who hired me in smc and she was very honest about the not-so-ideal working environment and the kind of people there, but hey, everything is subjective.

i'm also almost done with being single. in about 7 months (shucks, ang lapit na pala bigla! takot ako!), i will be part of a marriage! naks! which really absolutely scares me to the max (napaka 80's ng comment!)!!!!

because i don't want to say goodbye to my old life yet and begin a new one. i'm happy being single and carefree! i guess its your usual "fear of the unknown" and moving out of your comfort zone. hindi ba nakakatakot magkaron at MAGTAGUYOD ng sarili mong pamilya sa panahon ngayon?!????

but shempre, i made a pact with God and i told Him kung hindi dapat eh gumawa sha ng paraan. na concrete. ayoko naman kasi na mag-veer from His plan for me. i do and always will trust Him. and right now, that's where He's leading me to.

so i'm almost done with the questions in my head because really my heart is just singing with excitement at the prospect of being hitched!

at the end of the day, its just really my head doing somersaults in my mind and testing me all the time. because it knows, i'm done letting it rule me.

 

hey guys,

 if you don't know yet, ira left for Boston last Sunday. let's wish her well and all the luck in the world; that she may find what she's looking for and that happiness and contentment finally catch up with her.

ira - god bless :) goodbyes are bittersweet but i know we'd meet again! see you soon!

neva

 

 

 

First off, bakit bakit bakit wala ng nagsusulat sa blog na ito??

Anyway, the pakyuka dinner went great last week (Feb. 2, 2007) maski wala si Maan who is hiding something (or someone) and Anna who spent the whole day at Diamond Hotel for some planning chorlaloo :D hehehe We were speculating that you just went on your honeymoon, a pechay project part 2!

The food was great (never did dipping tenderloin cubes in boiling oil become so much more fun, rather than, functional? :p), the company even greater. Jason (Jo's bf) proved to be a much bigger jologs than me and Ira. And Bayan! Bayan just booked a gig at Jojo A all the way!!! It was so funny that it instantly became a classic in my book. Reckless Imprudence at Jojo A All The Way! San ka pa??

Ira was her usual self and Jo set her up on a date with one of Jason's friends. We can't wait to see what happens after that. I'm trying to set her up with one of our officemates though, pero after na lang her blind date. Baka tumugma e, maudlot pa :p

Anyway, the stories got around to how Anna, she of the successful pechay project would tell her love story to her children. We were laughing at the possible answers and here is my version, which I texted to Anna just recently: "Mga anak, ako ay isang tuyong pechay, na nadiligan ng inyong itay". To which Anna added "At ito ngayon, buhay". Hahahaha :p

Hope we get to have another dinner soon. In the meantime, haaay....update naman kayo dyan :p

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

galing mo 'pre!

 

 

So, I bought this grey heathered cotton tshirt which is quite long and fitted. i decided to wear them with my skinny jeans and my freshly-bought black patent wedges from greenhills.  i looked myself in the mirror and thought that there was something missing. i looked grey and black all over like a week-old bruise. so, i decided to break off the grey and wear a black belt over the shirt, ya know, be a little cheeky for once. i put on my long black chunky necklace and headed out my bedroom....then it began....

1) i was in our car when i realized that i was still holding the pile of clothes i intended to drop in our hamper...so lumabas ako ng bahay at nakita ako ng mga kapitbahay na dala dala ko ung mga labahan ko!! strike 1....

 

kulang  na lang umupo ako sa may gate namin at nagumpisang maglaba e....

2) when i got down from our car, i was ready to go when i felt something slide down ...i thought, langya nalaglag pantalon ko!!!! but when i looked down, it was actually my belt and it was right there on my knees! buti di ako nadapa no!! i quickly pulled up my belt ignoring the passers-by and the fact that an fx was behind our car...malamang may MGA pasahero yun no!! ayayayay....strike 2....but i carry on....

could it be that my belt was too heavy???

3) i was in our elevator and the monitor inside which tells you which floor you're on is busted, i was probably still recovering from the shock of my black belt disaster. i was then thinking, " i could've fallen flat on my face! did someone i know see me? is damien after meee?? why God why???" when the elevator door opened and a girl came in, i went out but i wasn't sure if i was on the right floor, so i let out a loud AYYY!!! and I went back in and then i realized the light on the top of the button that says 19th isn't on anymore, so i went out the elevator again...i wish i just crawled my way to the office.....strike 3!

and it wasn't even 8:00 yet....NAMAAAAAAN!!!! 

langya  kang bata ka...ikaw may pakana ng araw ko no? no?? no???

 

hope your day fares better girls!

meanwhile, this shall be my expression for the rest of the day...

                                    

 

On my way to work yesterday, I get into another car accident, even before the first one was repaired.  And I think, what the f*ck!

Instead of letting my rage fester, I decide not to go to work and take a sick leave.  Hehe. 

I stubbed my big toe playing badminton last March.  Toes actually, as I found out afterwards that my stupid new shoes, though rubber-soled, are not for badminton.  I waited for so many months to see if the respective blood clots would go with the nails as the nails grow out.  And despite those unsightly things under my toenails, I've been going swimming and taking taekwondo lessons - no one has expressed disgust over them to my face, hehehe.

I don't know if I've told you guys that after a year and a half at a lit firm, I have decided that I'm not meant for litigation.  I mean, I see my officemates, and they impress me with their quick thinking, mastery of the law, discipline, and PR.  Meanwhile, I stress out everytime I have a hearing and leave the courtroom drenched with sweat.  Ugh.  I've asked for less lit work and more corp work, but in a firm known for its litigation savvy, well, I dunno how much INTERESTING corp work I can get.

I heard there's a corp opening in a pretty big firm, and I want to apply.  But I'm scared that I don't have enough corp experience.  Waaaahhhhh.  But I so want to, because, the hours may not be better, the stress may not be less, but the pay will be better, hehehe.  And since I have no intention of being a lit lawyer anyway, this might be practice for when I go in-house or whatever.

So, back to my yesterday, I turn around and head back to QC.  I spend an hour and a half waiting for my HMO surgeon (yes, finally, my HMO card put to use!) and I find out that taking the toenail out will be best (the other one's still under observation).  And though I found it hard to accept I had a dead toenail and it was conforting to at least have toenails than none, I had to say goodbye to it and see if the new one that'll grow in 6 months will be less ugly than what I've been stuck with for the last 2.  The anaesthesia injections (note the plural) freaking hurt, by the way.

And I think, maybe it's time not to let the fear of rejection get the better of me.  So I'll be updating my resume and cover letter after I post this.  After all, rejection could not hurt more than my toe does now.  I hope.

Nahiya pala ako to ask for my toenail after the surgery.  So memorial services for the dead nail will have to be held in absentia.

since may climate change, i bet summer (or its scorching heat) will be around for a couple of months more... or it will be back sooner than a year later.  that's the silver lining to this whole doomsday idea that we're melting to extinction.

but i can relate to neva's blog entry! i've been out of town mostly for work. i've had day trips to lots of bitchin' beaches. hehehe. but i have yet to enjoy a real vacation.

i emailed my parents a week ago and since i haven't emailed for almost a month, i ended up listing down the stuff i've been doing. i got tired when i read it!  as in. i'm headed for a major burnout if work (or at least the stress from it) doesn't let up soon. unfortunately, this administration never runs out of things to do to make life h*ll for a lot of our Filipino brothers and sisters. and even if it's only pride and not noble intentions of service that is leading me to sacrifice "me" time, it's still just as draining.

life's a beach. it burns and it gets sand in your shorts. hehehe.

may SPF ba para sa ganito?

i love summer. i like to wave at it as it passes by....

haaay....

taken in Panglao, 2 years ago! My last real vacation!!

maan's question is so right...so, which is it? do you hold on or let go?
just recently i broke up with my bf in my mind. the hurt was building up inside that
i felt the only way it will go away was to cut off the source.

i was on the verge of telling him what was on my mind but he suddenly spoke up and said he wanted our argument to be over. he wanted me to be ok. yeah, so maybe i did shut my mouth up. but my sick brain was going on and on about how things are so unfair and that there are other guys out there and stuff. but my forgiving nature won over my questioning brain. ang factoid hindi nanalo sa star performer!

sometimes for a relationship to work you have to undergo little divorces. these instances when you sever the relationship.....all for 10 minutes. then you quickly pick yourself up and start again. you do this for as long as its needed.  then i guess break-up happens when after you pick yourself up, you walk the other way.

being in a relationship is hard work. it takes a lot of patience and trust. if this combination fails, then i think it wasnt meant to be. i dont believe God can be so cruel as to leave us in the hands of someone who won't treat us right. after all's been said and done, you have to be strong and always keep in mind that if things are out of your control, then maybe its in God's....